Enough baby

Enough is enough
No one will understand it
Even there is a lil feeling of fathom deep down in their heart,
They will never understand it
People judging
So am i
We can share the same thought
But yet we cant share the same feeling
You didnt feel what i feel
You dont know how i have tried everything i can so that i never drown
Drown in my own sea of tears
But i failed
Im thinking about to take it as soon as possible
But i dont think i can
It will. One day.

How an ending looks like

Sometime,
Im imagining how my ending looks like
Im imagining what happen after i commit suicide
Im imagining i jump off a high storey building
And someone can hear that pop sound
I popped out my gut, my brain
Shattered on the road
Then someone come to my house telling my families
Im no longer in the world
And they cried
Or it can be they are smiling

Sometime im imagining
Im commiting suicide in my own room
At night
While everybody were sleeping
I cut my skin
And the blood flowing out and the mattress wet with my own blood
I scream in silent
Holding that pain alone
Then the next morning or maybe noon or if i not lucky enough maybe evening
Dad wake me up
But he found my body
Pale and bare on my own bed
He might be scream
They cried

They cried on my ending
While im smiling because it is my happy ending isnt it?
It might be their sad beginning
But no worries you guys deserve a good ending someday
Do not end your ending like mine
Because my ending is a bad one to you guys
But im deserve it okay
Im happy 😊

Soo-i-side note 1

Ya Allah
If i died one day
If i cant no longer hold anymore
If i commit suicide one day,

Tell my mom i love her so much
Tell her im sorry for always hurt her heart
Tell her im sorry for not being a good daughter
Tell her im sorry that i never make her proud of me
Tell her, her cooks are always in my heart
Sorry for being such a disappointment

Ya Allah,
Tell my dad i love him so much
Tell my dad that i owe him so much
Tell him i appreciates his efforts
Tell him im so sorry for always not listen to him
Tell him im sorry that i never make him proud of me
Tell him im so sorry for being a bad child for him
Tell him just Allah can repay all of his kindness
Thank you for always find money for me
Tell him im so proud of him

Ya Allah,
Tell abang that i very proud of him
Tell him im appreciates his kindness
Tell him he is such a good brother and a good son
Tell him im so sorry for always be a burden to him
If i died early,
Tell him im so sorry i cant attend his wedding
Tell him im so sorry i wish i can sponsor his wedding ring but has no opportunity to do so
Im so sorry
i love you so much abang

Ya Allah,
Tell my adik that im so proud of him too
Tell him i wish he can pursue his dream one day
Tell him to never give up in life
Tell him never make me as his roll model
Im not good enough
Im a loser
Tell him i love him so much

Ya Allah
Tell my friends i love all of them
Sorry for being such a bad friend
I love you guys

🌸

Ya Allah
When will i die?
Why cant you take my life early?
So that i dont have to commit suicide
Why?
Im thinking about giving up on my life
Nobody loves me
Everybody hates me
Even my families hate me
Please
Should i kill myself right now
I just cant hold this anymore
I dont want to suffer anymore
Why?
At least put that 'brave' in me
So that i brave enough to kill my self
At least i brave enough to take my own life.
Im so scared Ya Allah

To hold or to let go

Deciding something is not that easy
To decide that one thing is easy
It is just between yes or no
Agree or disagree
Accept or unacceptable

But everything behind it make it complicated
Between memories and joy
Between tears and laugh
Between future and the environment
Between love and live
Between something that you love to hold and choose to not let it go 💞

A decision about quitting study

Hi
This is my post
This one is about everything
About how a beginning can be an ending
About how to begin an ending
About how to ending something that has been begun

I still thinking about quitting my study
Still haven't decide anything yet
Just my heart is inclined towards to quit
It is not easy, i know
To face everyone
To face my family
To tell them i want to quit
Mayn, i have no gut to do so
Seriously, ditelan mati emak diluah mati bapa
I'm in that dilemma

Here are my reasons why i decide to quit my study

1. Lost interest

I already lost my interest . At first, yes i  admit that i love what i do. I love it in every way.
But, i already lost interest to continuing my study. My heart is literally not there. How can a person still continuing something they didn't have their heart on it?

2. Sucks environment

I'm in my Bachelor of Design. I already felt how the Diploma's environment. It is definitely differences than Degree. Degree sucks. Fuck degree.

The environment seriously. I'm speechless. The classmate sucks. The lecturers sucks. Everything about degree was sucks. Everybody is selfish and it is all about themselves.

Selfishness level: 227394738%

3. Pressure

How a pressure cooker can cook in a short of time, that is how i feels.
I'm literally not a person who can works under pressure

I will never told the interviewers that i'm a person that can works under pressure
Cause i dont!

I have depression!
I will make an entry about depression later.
I already in suicide phase few times.

4. For the sake of others

I can be in tears if I talk about this and depression

Honestly the 'others' is actually my family. My parents and my brothers. Surprise, im the only daughter!

It is not about my parents didn't give a green light to study. It is not
Yes, my families hesitate if i continuing study straight after graduating my diploma.
They ask me to work first collect some money
But the stupid ass of me want to continue quick
And regret that
Literally the decision to continuing degree is totally wrong
Or the decision to study the same course is actually wrong.

Actually i want to work
So that i can earn money
And give it to my parents
To repay all my brother's kindness whose always give me money when i broke during my diploma

I want to work so that i can fund my lil brother once he continue study
He already 17
I'm sure he want to further study like i do
He have a dream like i do
I already pursue the beginning of my dream
And this is the time for my brother to do so

I have a story.

I still remember, my lil brother is an independent guy. Same goes to my oldest brother. Im the only useless siblings and i know it.

My brother working part time at my oldest brother's workplace so that he can buy the motorcycle's spare part. Or have an enjoy moments with his friend. He is someone whose work for something he want. While me, all i do is ask for money. Im so useless.

Once he gave my mum his salary to bought groceries.

Once, when i'm at home for a holiday break. And going back to my university, my lil brother gave me some money through my father (cause he is going to school and i still sleeping) cause he said im in my final week and need lots of money. Im in awe

Im so proud of you bro. I promise will repay you someday. I promise will repay my parents and my oldest brother too.
I know im not a good child. But im sure i will be a good one.
InshaaAllah

Lots of love, Sarahzek

A new leaf

—
Okay. How to start this eh.
I have this blog since 2015 if i'm not mistaken.
But i deleted all the entry so that i can turn over a new leaf.

—
My name is Sarah
I'm 22
And this is my story.
I start a new entry all over again
Because i want to see how my life will going after the beginning of something
How far it will be

—
Just a plain blog because update it using mobile blogger
Will rearrange everything later
Will update this often
InshaaAllah